I have heard several of my blind friends talking about becoming disoriented in their own neighborhood or yard. Last week this happened to me.I will go out to get the mail at the edge of our property. I usually follow the driveway and then tap along the edge of the road until I get to the mailbox.On this day, I didn’t have my shoes on because I wanted to feel how lushness of the grass . he was so proud of it. I didn’t take my smart phone because I was just going to the mailbox. I decided to cross the lawn to feel the lush grass beneath my feet.What I didn’t know was there was a truck parked in the road in front of our home.When I walked diagonally to find the road by the mailboxes. I found the truck instead. Thinking this was my neighbor’s vehicle , I turned left to find the street. Instead I found that I was on the grass again. I tried to listen for traffic noise but there was a street repair crew making noise a few doors down. The thick grass made walking difficult and I silently swore to myself for not taking my phone. I heard a quiet voice from several feet away , ”Do you need help?” I replied “Yes!” A small woman came beside me. “Where are you going?” I replied, “I am trying to find my house.” She asked,”Do you want to take my hand?” “No, give me your elbow.” She asked for my address to make sure I was at the correct house. “What were you doing?” she asked . “I was trying to go to the mailbox and I became lost” I admitted. “Did you get your mail? I said no and she offered to go and get it for me .”While she was gone, I felt my way to the garage door. When she returned, she noticed I was beside the door. “She said “It’s closed.” “I know how to open it with a code,” I replied. I thanked her and opened the garage.I went inside and placed the mail on my husbandschest. I was very discouraged and wondered what went wrong.My husband explained what could have happened. “There is a car in the road before our mailbox. What you thought was our neighbor’s car was this vehicle, You set off in the wrong direction and couldn’t find the driveway or the road.”I felt slightly better until he asked,”Did you have your phone?” I felt chagrined . Now when I go outside, I take my normal route to the mailbox. I will take my phone because you never know when you will need a helping hand. ********************

Fuzzy Forecast
I spot a Fuzzy worm sunning on the stone wall,black and sporting a brown stripe on his back.The thickness of the brown marking is predicting a harsh winter.
I wonder if he is storing the sun to take with him when he snuggles under the fallen leaves. There the furry caterpillar awaits Spring’s sunshine and warmth.

Exploring the Past August 27, 2020

As a child, I loved to visit my Grandma Jennie and Grandpa Cliff. The house was full of hidden surprises and full candy dishes. But when the weather allowed, I went to explore the backyard.This large yard was divided into two sections by a gated fence. It was double the size of most yards.My first play place was the bulkhead doors that covered the stone stairs leading into the basement. These doors were locked most of the time. I spent many hours sliding down the doors, until Grandma warned that I would fall down the stairs . Wandering further into the yard, I located an old chicken coop. Now it was filled with discarded outdoor furniture, a rusty grill and pieces of wood. I could image the time when the coop was full of roosting chickens.When my Dad was a Senior in High School, he wanted a tux to wear to the senior prom. He asked Grandpa for the needed amount. and was turned down with the words,”Earn the money.” This was during the Depression and jobs didn’t pay enough for such a purchase. He would have to find another way.He went to the butcher to ask about the price of chickens. He entered the coop and counted the hens. He caught, killed and presented the carcasses to the butcher. In return, he had the money for a tux.I smiled to think my Dad got in trouble after Grandpa thought that the hens were stolen! After the confession, my Dad reminded Grandpa that he still had his rooster.I would play house in the coop until lunch time. My Grandma would scold me because I was dirty and my hair was covered with cobwebs. After lunch, I would return to the yard to explore the far backyard. The gate squeaked and added to the creepy feeling of the place. Grandpa had his fruit trees and garden in this yard. He grew the best tomatoes. In a bird house hung too low for the birds, He kept a large salt shaker. He would select a ripe tomato and eat it right from the vine with a liberal shake of salt. He would let me select a smaller fruit and we would sit under the old oak eating the fruit.Finally, I would wander to the far fence . There I would look into the town’s cemetery. I recalled the story of my Dad being late for high school, He bolted the fence and ran through the cemetery pretending the tombstones were blockers on a football field. He would enter the doors of the school as the final bell would sound.Now the yard has changed hands and the chicken coop is long gone, the memories and stories remain.********************

Digging for Memories.

I wander to the far backyard.To see changes from my youth.The fruit trees are gone with a tennis court in their place.I find the corner where my Grandfather grew tomatoes.The area is choked with weeds and vines.I sit and aimlessly sift in the dirt.My fingers touch a small mental object. It is the top of the salt shaker from the bird house.I stare at the memory and drop it into my pocket.

August 25, 2020

Phantom Vision

No I am not talking about Halloween and Tricker Treaters. Or seeing visions where there is nothing. I am talking about what my brain sees with blindness.Even before I was totally blind, I would allow my imagination to look at objects and let my brain come up with the picture to go along with my eye impulses . I could look at a brown rock and see a bear or look at a fence and see two deer. I thought that this would cease when I became totally blind.I was pleasantly surprise when I found that I didn’t see a field of blackness.I have a cycle of a brightness for a whole day and evening, then a gray day for the same amount of time and finally a dark day. There are variations in the days that I can partly control . For example, if it is getting close to bedtime I can mentally turn down the brightness to sleep. If I need to remain alert and I am having a dark day I can decrease the darkness to perceive gray areas. I can increase light or decrease the lightness in gray days.I have not heard about this in any of my blind friends. I take joy that I am not always in total darkness. I have to be cautious to remember that the light or lack of it has nothing to do with light perception . I do have a sliver of real light perception so I can tell the difference. Like a phantom, this cycle of the brain perception may fade and disappear with time. I have this vision for over 5 years and it does not show any fading at this time .********************

The Phantom
Like a thief in the nightThe phantom stalks me to steal my sight.All my line I look behind,I try to run and hide,there he is, we’re side by side.I’m tired of running, giving up the fight,He smiles, and takes my sight.I am left with phantom vision,the mind produces sight revisions.I see light, dark and gray,alternating to mark the days. Not sure if this vision will last,grateful each sighted day that passes. Until it leaves me I will enjoy the sight even if only in my mind’s eye.

The Bees Knees August 20, 2020

When I was a kid, my Dad use this phrase to discribe something little and cute. When I think of honey bees or bumble bees I have another opinion.

I like many people lump bees with other stinging insects and avoid them. Recently, I was visiting an old friend who was a bee keeper. He has a large garden and orchard for the bees to pollinate. He took us to view the hive boxes and the activity around them. We were about 15 feet away. I heard the low buzzing. I was given a description of the complex dance of communication that occurred outside each hive.

He showed us a hive box that was on the top of a step ladder. he noted that on his last inspection of the hives, a second Queen left with half of the bees to form a swarm. He located the swarm in an old box elder tree. It was high up in the top branches. My friend had to cut the tree down and started to retrieve the Queen and her swarn. “So why is the box on the ladder?” He said that not all the bees were in the box. The stragglers would come to the swarm and enter the hive box. Then he can take the box back to the hive area.

Though the bees were flying around me, they were too busy to pay attention to us .

I learned that bees are needed for a third of our food sources. Vegetables, fruit and nuts need the busy insects to help with pollination.

A honey bee unlike wasps can sting only once. The bee dies after stinging. They will sting only to protect the hive. Wasps will sting multiple times.

After the bee encounter, I am willing to share my outdoor space with such a helpful and needed insect.

Golden rods glow in the field.

beckon to the honey bees.

Filled with nectar for winter’s food.

abundant, life-giving, bee feeders

nature provides so bees can survive.

and so can we.

appeared in the fall weekly Avocet 2019

As school is starting, I was remembering my parenting experiences being a low vision parent. Below are some situations that I found myself in.

Kids And Blind Parents
Parents have challenges raising children. The children are always testing the limits of family rules. The child see what they can get away with and what the parent will tolerate .
But with a blind parent, the ability to monitor and control is limited. For example, You go to a gathering with your child. They decide to visit a friend. You find that you have been parked facing a corner and you are talking to a wall.
Or you and your daughter go into a bathroom and your daughter pushes you into a stall and quickly goes into another because she needs to void . You are left to investigate to see if there is a clean seat. To check if there is paper left on the seat and to check if the commode is clean. Also to check if the lock works. When I finally exit the stall my daughter is impatient to leave. “What took you so long?” She asks .
Another time we were going to use a restroom in a National park. The room was very busy and my daughter spotted a partially open door on a stall. She pushed me in and went to use another stall. I hung up my cane and proceeded to use the commode. I heard a Mother outside my stall calling a little girl’s name. I also could hear a quiet voice from my left. I thought she has locked herself in the stall next to me. I will have to inform the Mom where her daughter is. When I opened the door. I started to talk to the woman and my daughter grabbed me and rushed me out of the restroom without washing our hands. When we had traveled to the far side of the building my daughter finally told me that the small child was in my stall with me. She was playing with the flushing lever so was between the back of commode and the wall. I never thought that she was in the stall with me. I am sure that I would have gotten a lecture from the Mom but she was temporarily stopped by the white cane. My daughter was sure she would find us and press charges.
My daughter and I were in an amusement park and had to find a restroom. Like most busy places, the restroom had a line of women waiting for a stall. There was no line at the handicapped stall so my daughter opened it and went to wait in line for another stall. When I was finished I opened and was surprised to find a women in a wheelchair so close to the door that I was not able to leave the stall. She started to lambaste me that I was not allowed to use this stall. I started to hit her wheel chair with my cane and asked her to back up so I could exit. My daughter later told me that all the women were amused to see this battle of the disabilities being played out in front of them.
I have a blind friend that related a story about grocery shopping with her visual son . She would tell what was on the list and she expected him to find the item and put it in the basket.
When she was at the checkout line she was surprised at the amount of her groceries. After thinking she handed a list to the check out clerk. and asked her to remove any items that were not on the list.
There were Pop-tarts, candy and two little cars. After that she felt each item as her sun put it into the basket.
Kids test all parents but blind parents have to be creative in their response to testing situations.

Parenting
On your toes
where your children go
keep a hold.

During this time of stress and Corona Virus confusion, I find peace and solace on a shoreline watching the waves. It doesn’t matter if the water is fresh or salty, As long as it is large enough to have waves, I am entranced.I had an opportunity to visit the Lake Michigan shore this past weekend. The north western winds produced white caps and churned up water. The rhythmic beating of the waves as they crashed and removed the beach with each landing was hypnotic . I was reminded of the power of nature and it’s ability to mold and change the land. The beach is shrinking and the dunes are losing ground to the tides. In one place, a poplar tree on the top of a bluff had it’s roots exposed for twenty feet as it pointed to the water. Beach grasses were no match to the constant encroachment of the rising lake.I stand on the shore with my feet sliding on the sand in the water knowing how easily I could be tumbled by a wave as it made landfall. No wonder water particularly, moving living water is a symbol of renewal. I feel the strength that the lake gives my spirit and soul.I walk down the beach climbing over obstacles thrown on the beach. I end my walk at a set of stairs leading to a chapel on the bluff. There I find a peace in the space where the native Americans learned and practiced their faith from the missionary’s. I can look out and see their graves in the cemetery next to the church. Many are marked with only a simple white cross when a disease like measles killed many from the settlement. I hear their cries to the heavens as the waves continue to beat the shore. I add my silent prayer to all those souls to have strength and courage as we face the corona virus knowing that it will not last. I bow my head, feeling the past, present and future blend together. I rise, and dip my fingers in the baptismal font on my way out.Living WaterLiving water moving, carting life.Holds death and life in its shadows.It is deceptive in it’s calm morning demeanor, but by evening the tides and waves have changed their power.They grab stairs, chairs and sandy beach to the depths.I think of death but know that the items will rise and appear again . Though changed.So we are here but a moment and when the tide of death takes us,We will rise and be changed.

The stoker that I refer to is not a coal shoveling worker. The stoker is the second person on a tandem bicycle. The front person is the captain. The larger, stronger or the person that has sight is the captain. The stoker adds more power especially on hills. They call breaks . My husband, John and I have been a tandem team for over 20 years. When we approach another cycler, we get different reactions. My husband is scowled at by female bikers until they see me. Then they break into a large smile and greet him as they pass. I,am peppered with comments , usually from male bikers,”She’s not working!” or ,”She has her feet up!” or”You lost her a while back!”. I have put up with these insults for 20 years. I can’t think of a snappy comeback.The truth is the pedals are connected and both persons must pedal to stay upright. If I put my feet up on the handlebars, I would fall off. I hold on to make sure that I stay with the bike.In the past two decades I have heard several nice comments, One fellow stated,” She is gaining on you!” ”You have a hitchhiker!” But the best comment I heard was spoken by an older gentleman walking. He stopped and said,”I wish that I had a beautiful woman following me!” A comment like that goes a long way. As for the other comments, I wondered where their partners are? At least I am out with my husband and we are enjoying a shared activity.
Roll on, roll ondown the road,two person power,makes the tandem go.
Comments shouted,from trail and street.Most of then,I fail to heed.
I smile and a nod,A compliment lingers,then it’s gone.
I savor it,like good wine.I wait for another,I have the time.

BlindTravelAs a visually challenged person, I find that I must be aware of where I am and how I will get from one place to the next. I use the feeling in my feet, trailing with my fingertips, my cane , and sighted guides. When traveling with a friend in a car I relax my awareness of where I am. This changed after I received a ride home from dance class. I were taking an adult belly dance class. I was to get a ride with a cab a fellow dancer said to cancel the ride she would take me home.We were laughing and talking all the way to my home. You must understand that I live in a subdivision that has 4 different house types. There is a two level, a Tri-level and a ranch and a Straight across ranch. I live in a straight across ranch. Denise pulled into a drive and told me that the garage door was open. After gathering my things I got and waved good bye before entering the garage.The door into the house was in the correct corner of the garage but as I felt the edge of the door, I realized that the screen was closed and was aluminum . My househad a wood screen door that we seldom closed. I was in the worng house!I hurried out to see if I could catch my friend but she was long gone. I had no clue even what direction my home may be. I had to return to the house to ask an embarrassing question. Where am I and how far is my home? Fortuately for me I was not far from my house about 10 houses away. The neighbor knew me and where my house was and offered to take me home.Since then, I try to know where I am and now I have a smart phone to help me if I am lost again. “Hey Seri, Find my home!”

FeelingsI feel my way through my world.With cane, fingertips and feet,I know where I am,most of the timeBut even an experienced traveler can get distracted,disoriented and lose their way.Then they must bite the bullet,and ask for help.We get by with a little help from our friends.

Do you See What I See.
I love to take walks in the woods. But ever since I was lost in a woods as a toddler, I prefer to walk with a partner . That partner is my husband or daughter.
As we walk we disturb the fauna . A squirrel will scamper across the path. A bird is singing on a low tree branch or a deer turns his tail flag as he runs away.
To be truthful , I miss many of these animal antics. But when I am asked if I saw this or that movement I hesitate to say what I really see.
One day I had the courage to admit I didn’t see the particular animal . But I went on to inform what exactly I did see.
See that large shape by the tree? It looks like a bear digging for roots. And over there by the split rail fence is a brown shape that is close to a deer trying to decide if he should watch us or run. I also see a branch of a low shrub shaking with a mother bird working on her nest. I was seeing all these things in my mind’s eye.
My husband turned to me and stated that the mind can see better than the naked eye with a little imagination.

Rain distorts the reflection in the pane.
I contemplate my twisted hold on reality.
Memories of the visual world change with age.
reforming like a deck of shuffled cards.
The rain forms tears from heaven.
They water our souls and spirits.
I take a card and see what memory is is on top.
Building a story around the thought.
The fracture is my reality.

Today is my daughters 28th birthday. This week I have thought about the many memories I share with my husband on being parents. We found we were expecting when we were our late 30’s. After testing we knew we were having a girl. My husband named her after the woman that delivered our mail. Ruth was a name that was not in either family. The only comment I said was she may have speech problems with the letters r and th. She did. When she outgrew the articulation difficulty, A classmate mentioned she had lost her accent.Ruth was born in a different hospital then we were scheduled at. They suspected heart problems. She was sent by ambulance to University of Michigan. We waited for a call with news. When the doctor was pleased when he said our daughter didn’t have the heart problem that was suspected. She would be kept and have eye surgery for glaucoma. He also mentioned that no baby could scream as loud as she did whenever the ambulance turned on the siren. We went to break her out of the ward. The nurse insisted that Ruth must finish her bottle before discharge. I dumped 3/4ths of the contents and allowed Ruth to suckle on the rest. The nurse signed the discharge papers and we were off with the baby in tow.We were scared of this small bundled. She looked like she could be easily broken.We learned that babies could roll off beds and not be injured. We grew with our daughter as we shared smiles and milestones.Our three person team included John’s mother , Helen. We all looked to her for information and comfort. A age three Ruth stated that Granda was her best friend.Her first word was not Mama or Dada but GaMa.We traveled with Ruth from an early age. Once, she ran away in a crowded terminal. She was so short , we couldn’t see her through the peoples legs. After that she was tethered to her Dad.We took her everywhere we went. At 3 months, She was zipped into her dads jacket as we followed a path in a snowstorm on Mt. Washington.Ruth grew and developed her character . She loved stuffed animals and not dolls. Her favorite stuffed friend was a pink bear named Joey. She couldn’t go to sleep without him. She would put herself to sleep talking to him about her day.Ruth was an artist, singer, writer and poet. she loved Math and Science. She was able to work in both sides of her brain.Now she is a married woman with a career in Bio-statistician. She has a loving beautiful soul. I am so proud of her. With all our love.Mom and Dad
The BirthdayMy mind focuses on the birthbut that was long ago.She has matured and has grown.I still see the girl within,Excited hand shakes begin.I know her and yetI can’t forget.How she feltupon my back.